When getting a bad deal

He would say, “I've been screwed without the benefit of intercourse.”

You've been so sweet

He used to say, “You've been so sweet since the baby came.”
I don't know what that means. I need some help here.

The whole family

He would say the whole fam damnly

Fox a finder lies close behinder

Where the smell is, that is close to the person that created it.

Hors D'oeuvre

Instead of calling appetizers "Hors D'oeuvre", as they would be appropriately called, Jerry Sr would call them " Horse's Doovers".

Coming?

When Jerry Sr was asked, " Are you coming?" He would say, " No, I am just breathing hard."

When traffic is very heavy

He would always say “Terrific Traffic”

When someone says a negative thing about him

He would say, “I represent that remark.”

A backwards complement

You are a smart feller, oops I meant to say you are a fart smeller.

(side note: I'm not sure what order he said it in)

When signing a piece of art

He would sign pottery that he made by signing: Another goode'n by Jerry Wooden

When sort of tired

he would say, “I'm too pooped to pop.”

When very tired

He would say “I'm going to piviot and pass out.”

When telling someone off...

He would say, “Up your giggi with a boat hook sideways.”

Have to pee?

Yes, I have to pee and I just shined my shoes.

Raining Hard?

Yes, it's raining like a tall cow pissing on a flat rock.

Racehorse

When Jerry Sr had a very full bladder, he would say "Out of my way, I have got to piss like a racehorse."

Dad would break out in song sometimes singing "Leprosy"

Leprosy oh my god I've got Leprosy There goes my eye-ball Into my high-ball.
Leprosy oh my god I've got Leprosy There goes my chin friend  Into my gin friend.
Leprosy, oh my god I've got Leprosy, There goes my ear dear it fell into my beer dear.
Kiss me quick, there goes my upper lip dear.

Why did the leper lose the poker game?

Because he threw in his hand.

On losing your keys

If you lost your keys the old man would say, "if you lose your old keys you won't get any nooky."

When someone comes in the door he would say;

Take your hat and jack-it-off.   I'm still not sure what that means.

I am all yours

When feeling particular close to someone, Jerry Sr. would say, " Call me Pee Pee because I am all Ur'ine (Yours)."

Facts?

When someone would ask if a particular issue was "right", Jerry Sr. would respond,  "It may not be right, but its a fact."

Is it Sunday?

When someone asked if today was Sunday, Jerry Sr. would say, It is Sunday all day.....unless it rains".

What is your name?

When asked "What is your name, his response was "My name a Jose Jimenez".

When someone says "I'm sorry"

After someone says "I'm sorry" Dad would say, "Not as sorry as I am."

On Usefullness

When something is not as useful as the old man would have liked it to be, he would say, "that's as useful as tits on a boar hog."

On Being Confused

When becoming confused about something Dad would often say, "I was so confused, I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted."

On "Assume"

He would often say, "don't assume anything, it makes a ASS out of U and ME"

Foreign Words

This one will have to be added to from time to time.
1. Vas es das? Means, what is this? I think it's German. I don't know how to spell it.
2. Polizia. Italian for Police. He would say this every time he saw a police car.

Are You Ready?

When asked are you ready? The common response was " I'm red eye." He would close one eye and open the other very wide.

When Eating small amounts

When offered a small portion of food the old man would say, "that wouldn't fill a cavity in my mouth."

When starting a long family trip

"Does anyone have to pee? Speak now or forever hold your piss."

Having to Pee

"I have to pee so badly that my teeth are floating" He would use proper grammer.

When talking to someone with big problems

He asks, "other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

When cut off in traffic by a woman

Did you see that broad cut me off!

When responding with an emphatic YES

He would say "Yes, I might even go so far as to say oh my yes" (sounding like oh my ass)

After eating too much at a restaurant

The waiter asks him if he needs anything else, he responds "I need a derrick to carry me out".

Misty over you

Another song that was quite popular when he would be in a good mood and break out into song or pick up a trumpet.

Look at me, I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree,
And I feel like I'm clinging to a cloud;
I can't understand, I get misty just holding your hand.

Walk my way and a thousand violins begin to play
Or it might be the sound of your hello,
That music I hear, I get misty, the moment you're near.

(Bridge:)
You can say that you're leading me on,
But it's just what I want you to do.
Don't you notice how hopelessly I'm lost?
That's why I'm following you.

On my own, would I wander through this wonderland alone,
Never knowing my right foot from my left,
My hat from my glove?
I'm too misty and too much in love.
I'm too misty and too much in love.

Breaking out into song for no particular reason

He would break out into song quite often and this was his favorite,

Darktown Strutters Ball
Shelton Brooks
1917

I'll be down to get you in a taxi, Honey.
Better be ready 'bout half past eight.
Now, Honey, don't be late.
I wanna be there when
the band starts playing

Remember when we get there, Honey
Two steps, I'm gonna have a ball
I'm gonna dance off both my shoes
When they play those Jelly Roll Blues
Tomorrow night at the
Dark Town Strutters Ball.

I'll be down to get you in a taxi, Honey.
Better be ready 'bout half past eight.
Now, Honey, don't be late.
I wanna be there when
the band starts playing

Remember when we get there, Honey
Two step, we're gonna have a ball
I'm gonna dance off both my shoes
When they play those Jelly Roll Blues
Tomorrow night at the
Dark Town Strutters Ball.

Another song was a bit strange,

Leprosy, I think I have Leprosy,
I lost my eye ball, it fell into my high ball.

That is all I can remember but I think that is all he sang.

Wooden Hall

He would answer the phone, "Wooden hall, who in the hall do you want?"

Brown Eye

If you did something in back of him and asked how he saw that, he would say "I saw it with my brown eye".

When it's dry outside

He would break into song, "It ain't gonna rain no mo no mo, it ain't gonna rain no mo, how in the heck can I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no mo."

The weather forecast says chilly today

He would say, chilly today and hot tamale.

Your eyes

If you are looking particularly tired, your eyes look like two piss holes in the snow.

When something is ugly

That is pretty, pretty ugly and pretty apt to say that way.

When asked by the waiter.....

When Dad was asked by the waiter if he wanted "Soup or Salad" he would always say.......That must be a pretty good salad, I would like to have one of those "super salads"

Every time he passed a road sign...

The ubiquitous road sign that says Gas - Food he would say they must be serving beans.

That was outstanding

Out standing in the rain.

When complementing someone

You are a fine, upstanding person. I don't care what anyone else says about you.

When you were bothering him

He would say "go play in the street"

If he handed you something worthless

He would say "don't say I never gave you anything"

On toasting to an occasion

Here's How, did I say how? I meant when, I've known how since I was ten.

On presumption

When being told "we are going to do something" he would say, " Do you have fleas in your pocket"?

When someone is scratching their nether regions

He would break out into song "ball itch, do you have ball itch, or is your jock strap bothering you?"

What kind of material is that?

After touching it he says "It's felt"

When someone complains about being sore

"Wait until you get to be my age."

When there is a bad smell

Someone says "Smell it", he says "Hell, I'm sittin' in it."

On fun

Ain't had so much fun since grandma got her tit caught in the ringer.

When it is cold out side

It's colder than a witches titty in a brass bra.

When it rains hard

It's raining like a tall cow pissing on a flat rock.

When asked "How are you feeling"

Answer, "Sick and tired", or sometimes "Sick in bed" or "like a million bucks, all green and wrinkled"

Telling someone off

F#@$ you, nasty letter to follow.

When Angry

I'm going to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end.

On Drinking

When offered a drink he might say, I don't drink any more...then pause and say ... or any less.