Thursday, March 16, 2017

Truck backing up.

When hearing a truck beeping when backing up he would say "The fat lady is backing up"

Is it true?

When someone asked if something was true he would say "Is the Pope Polish?"

Monday, October 17, 2016

Did you see what I did in the yard?

Every time I visited he would ask "Did you see what I did in the yard?" I would say no and he would say "You never pay attention to anything."

"Because it was on sale"

Why do you have 15 extension cords in the garage? He would tend to think that buying things in large quantities even if you didn't need them at the time would save money if it was on sale.

When looking for a lost tool

"One of the f*****g kids took my tools." That's why he had 2 of everything.

The whole world is a bit strange

One of his favorite quotes from the social reformer Robert Owen (1771-1858) "The whole world is a bit strange except thee and me and I'm not so sure about thee."

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Instead of fantastic...

He would say fantasmagorical.

Play on words

He would say about a funny word joke "I love a good play on words"

When there is something wrong he would say...

Nothing wrong with nothing wrong with nothing wrong with that.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

As they say in the vernacular...

When he would say something that was not grammatically correct such as: "I am plumb wore out... As they say in the vernacular."

Monday, November 23, 2015

His favorite race horse

When he smelled a fart he would say "Hoof Harted"

The P is silent

When someone asked about a word with a silent P in it, he would always say the P is silent just like the Pee in swimming. Which always got a blank stare from people.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

When wanting seasoning at the table

He would say "pass the salt and pecker" Or "Pass the salt Walt" because it rhymed.

Advice for children

Children should be seen and not heard. Go play in the street.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Would you like something?

When someone asked if he would like something, he would say "yes, I'll take anything I can get."

Sunday, August 5, 2012

On Appreciation

They didn't say thank you or even kiss my ass.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I See

Every time he said "I See" as in I understand, he said: " I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw"

Friday, April 8, 2011

A Good'n

Jerry Sr would always follow one of his family member's name with "he's a good'n".
As an example,"Walt Wooden, he's a good'n."

Dad always loved rhymes.

Monday, January 24, 2011

On recognizing the intelligence of a person

When someone would say something smart but the old man would want to defect from the person's "moment", Dad would say ", that man is one fart smeller", exchanging the first couple of letters in the words Smart and Feller.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

When getting a bad deal

He would say, “I've been screwed without the benefit of intercourse.”

You've been so sweet

He used to say, “You've been so sweet since the baby came.”
I don't know what that means. I need some help here.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The whole family

He would say the whole fam damnly

Fox a finder lies close behinder

Where the smell is, that is close to the person that created it.

Hors D'oeuvre

Instead of calling appetizers "Hors D'oeuvre", as they would be appropriately called, Jerry Sr would call them " Horse Doovers".

Coming?

When Jerry Sr was asked, " Are you coming?" He would say, " No, I am just breathing hard."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

When traffic is very heavy

He would always say “Terrific Traffic”

Saturday, December 18, 2010

When someone says a negative thing about him

He would say, “I represent that remark.”

A backwards complement

You are a smart feller, oops I meant to say you are a fart smeller.

(side note: I'm not sure what order he said it in)

When signing a piece of art

He would sign pottery that he made by signing: Another goode'n by Jerry Wooden

When sort of tired

he would say, “I'm too pooped to pop.”

When very tired

He would say “I'm going to piviot and pass out.”

When telling someone off...

He would say, “Up your giggi with a boat hook sideways.”

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Have to pee?

Yes, I have to pee and I just shined my shoes.

Raining Hard?

Yes, it's raining like a tall cow pissing on a flat rock.

Racehorse

When Jerry Sr had a very full bladder, he would say "Out of my way, I have got to piss like a racehorse."

Dad would break out in song sometimes singing "Leprosy"

Leprosy oh my god I've got Leprosy There goes my eye-ball Into my high-ball.
Leprosy oh my god I've got Leprosy There goes my chin friend  Into my gin friend.
Leprosy, oh my god I've got Leprosy, There goes my ear dear it fell into my beer dear.
Kiss me quick, there goes my upper lip dear.

Why did the leper lose the poker game?

Because he threw in his hand.

On losing your keys

If you lost your keys the old man would say, "if you lose your old keys you won't get any nooky."

When someone comes in the door he would say;

Take your hat and jack-it-off.   I'm still not sure what that means.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I am all yours

When feeling particular close to someone, Jerry Sr. would say, " Call me Pee Pee because I am all Ur'ine (Yours)."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Facts?

When someone would ask if a particular issue was "right", Jerry Sr. would respond,  "It may not be right, but its a fact."

Is it Sunday?

When someone asked if today was Sunday, Jerry Sr. would say, It is Sunday all day.....unless it rains".

Monday, November 1, 2010

What is your name?

When asked "What is your name, his response was "My name a Jose Jimenez".

Saturday, October 30, 2010

When someone says "I'm sorry"

After someone says "I'm sorry" Dad would say, "Not as sorry as I am."

Friday, October 15, 2010

On Usefullness

When something is not as useful as the old man would have liked it to be, he would say, "that's as useful as tits on a boar hog."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

On Being Confused

When becoming confused about something Dad would often say, "I was so confused, I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted."

On "Assume"

He would often say, "don't assume anything, it makes a ASS out of U and ME"

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Foreign Words

This one will have to be added to from time to time.
1. Vas es das? Means, what is this? I think it's German. I don't know how to spell it.
2. Polizia. Italian for Police. He would say this every time he saw a police car.

Are You Ready?

When asked are you ready? The common response was " I'm red eye." He would close one eye and open the other very wide.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

When Eating small amounts

When offered a small portion of food the old man would say, "that wouldn't fill a cavity in my mouth."