If I knew

If I knew you were coming I would have baked a cake!

Harry S. Truman

Every time president Truman came up he would say "Harry Ass Truman"

Do you have a match

when someone had there arms full he would ask do you have a match?

Funny

that smells funny, is it funny ha ha? or just strange?

Dr. Asks where it hurts

It only hurts when I breathe

Bad driving

if you did something stupid while driving, he would say "Stop the car or we'll all be killed"

On being ignored...

Do I have to yell to be heard around here?

When listening to a preacher who said brethren...

He would say breathern and cistern.

Truck backing up.

When hearing a truck beeping when backing up he would say "The fat lady is backing up"

Is it true?

When someone asked if something was true he would say "Is the Pope Polish?"

Did you see what I did in the yard?

Every time I visited he would ask "Did you see what I did in the yard?" I would say no and he would say "You never pay attention to anything."

"Because it was on sale"

Why do you have 15 extension cords in the garage? He would tend to think that buying things in large quantities even if you didn't need them at the time would save money if it was on sale.

When looking for a lost tool

"One of the f*****g kids took my tools." That's why he had 2 of everything.

The whole world is a bit strange

One of his favorite quotes from the social reformer Robert Owen (1771-1858) "The whole world is a bit strange except thee and me and I'm not so sure about thee."

Instead of fantastic...

He would say fantasmagorical.

Play on words

He would say about a funny word joke "I love a good play on words"

When there is something wrong he would say...

Nothing wrong with nothing wrong with nothing wrong with that.

As they say in the vernacular...

When he would say something that was not grammatically correct such as: "I am plumb wore out... As they say in the vernacular."

His favorite race horse

When he smelled a fart he would say "Hoof Harted"

The P is silent

When someone asked about a word with a silent P in it, he would always say the P is silent just like the Pee in swimming. Which always got a blank stare from people.