When someone says "I'm sorry"

After someone says "I'm sorry" Dad would say, "Not as sorry as I am."

On Usefullness

When something is not as useful as the old man would have liked it to be, he would say, "that's as useful as tits on a boar hog."

On Being Confused

When becoming confused about something Dad would often say, "I was so confused, I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted."

On "Assume"

He would often say, "don't assume anything, it makes a ASS out of U and ME"

Foreign Words

This one will have to be added to from time to time.
1. Vas es das? Means, what is this? I think it's German. I don't know how to spell it.
2. Polizia. Italian for Police. He would say this every time he saw a police car.

Are You Ready?

When asked are you ready? The common response was " I'm red eye." He would close one eye and open the other very wide.