Do you have a match

when someone had there arms full he would ask do you have a match?

Funny

that smells funny, is it funny ha ha? or just strange?

Dr. Asks where it hurts

It only hurts when I breathe

Bad driving

if you did something stupid while driving, he would say "Stop the car or we'll all be killed"

On being ignored...

Do I have to yell to be heard around here?

When listening to a preacher who said brethren...

He would say breathern and cistern.

Truck backing up.

When hearing a truck beeping when backing up he would say "The fat lady is backing up"

Is it true?

When someone asked if something was true he would say "Is the Pope Polish?"

Did you see what I did in the yard?

Every time I visited he would ask "Did you see what I did in the yard?" I would say no and he would say "You never pay attention to anything."

"Because it was on sale"

Why do you have 15 extension cords in the garage? He would tend to think that buying things in large quantities even if you didn't need them at the time would save money if it was on sale.

When looking for a lost tool

"One of the f*****g kids took my tools." That's why he had 2 of everything.

The whole world is a bit strange

One of his favorite quotes from the social reformer Robert Owen (1771-1858) "The whole world is a bit strange except thee and me and I'm not so sure about thee."

Instead of fantastic...

He would say fantasmagorical.

Play on words

He would say about a funny word joke "I love a good play on words"

When there is something wrong he would say...

Nothing wrong with nothing wrong with nothing wrong with that.

As they say in the vernacular...

When he would say something that was not grammatically correct such as: "I am plumb wore out... As they say in the vernacular."

His favorite race horse

When he smelled a fart he would say "Hoof Harted"

The P is silent

When someone asked about a word with a silent P in it, he would always say the P is silent just like the Pee in swimming. Which always got a blank stare from people.

When wanting seasoning at the table

He would say "pass the salt and pecker" Or "Pass the salt Walt" because it rhymed.

Advice for children

Children should be seen and not heard. Go play in the street.

Would you like something?

When someone asked if he would like something, he would say "yes, I'll take anything I can get."

On Appreciation

They didn't say thank you or even kiss my ass.

I See

Every time he said "I See" as in I understand, he said: " I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw"

A Good'n

Jerry Sr would always follow one of his family member's name with "he's a good'n".

As an example,"Walt Wooden, he's a good'n."

Dad always loved rhymes.

On recognizing the intelligence of a person

When someone would say something smart but the old man would want to defect from the person's "moment", Dad would say ", that man is one fart smeller", exchanging the first couple of letters in the words Smart and Feller.

When getting a bad deal

He would say, “I've been screwed without the benefit of intercourse.”

You've been so sweet

He used to say, “You've been so sweet since the baby came.”
I don't know what that means. I need some help here.

The whole family

He would say the whole fam damnly

Fox a finder lies close behinder

Where the smell is, that is close to the person that created it.

Hors D'oeuvre

Instead of calling appetizers "Hors D'oeuvre", as they would be appropriately called, Jerry Sr would call them " Horse's Doovers".

Coming?

When Jerry Sr was asked, " Are you coming?" He would say, " No, I am just breathing hard."

When traffic is very heavy

He would always say “Terrific Traffic”

When someone says a negative thing about him

He would say, “I represent that remark.”

A backwards complement

You are a smart feller, oops I meant to say you are a fart smeller.

(side note: I'm not sure what order he said it in)

When signing a piece of art

He would sign pottery that he made by signing: Another goode'n by Jerry Wooden

When sort of tired

he would say, “I'm too pooped to pop.”

When very tired

He would say “I'm going to piviot and pass out.”

When telling someone off...

He would say, “Up your giggi with a boat hook sideways.”

Have to pee?

Yes, I have to pee and I just shined my shoes.

Raining Hard?

Yes, it's raining like a tall cow pissing on a flat rock.

Racehorse

When Jerry Sr had a very full bladder, he would say "Out of my way, I have got to piss like a racehorse."

Dad would break out in song sometimes singing "Leprosy"

Leprosy oh my god I've got Leprosy There goes my eye-ball Into my high-ball.
Leprosy oh my god I've got Leprosy There goes my chin friend  Into my gin friend.
Leprosy, oh my god I've got Leprosy, There goes my ear dear it fell into my beer dear.
Kiss me quick, there goes my upper lip dear.

Why did the leper lose the poker game?

Because he threw in his hand.

On losing your keys

If you lost your keys the old man would say, "if you lose your old keys you won't get any nooky."

When someone comes in the door he would say;

Take your hat and jack-it-off.   I'm still not sure what that means.

I am all yours

When feeling particular close to someone, Jerry Sr. would say, " Call me Pee Pee because I am all Ur'ine (Yours)."

Facts?

When someone would ask if a particular issue was "right", Jerry Sr. would respond,  "It may not be right, but its a fact."

Is it Sunday?

When someone asked if today was Sunday, Jerry Sr. would say, It is Sunday all day.....unless it rains".

What is your name?

When asked "What is your name, his response was "My name a Jose Jimenez".

When someone says "I'm sorry"

After someone says "I'm sorry" Dad would say, "Not as sorry as I am."